Drunken Neil the Drama King
by Animemyster
Summary: There was nothing more irritating than an intoxicated Neil Watts. He became clingy, argumentative, and far more obnoxious than his sarcastic, sober self. Not surprisingly, it had taken them nearly an hour to make it to Eva's apartment complex since leaving downtown. Neil, of course, had whined every step of the way.


"Neil, at least _try_ to make your legs function properly."

It was just passed midnight, and Neil and Eva were returning from a night's celebration in honour of completing their first year of training at Sigmund Corps. It had been a brutal process, starting with the notoriously difficult entrance exams (which Eva somehow managed to cheat Neil through), followed by a grueling year of lectures, workshops, and drills. Only a small group of recruits managed to make the final cut, and Neil and Eva had both proven themselves worthy candidates. In a few weeks, they would enter the second phase of training, the practicum, and could finally begin working with actual clients.

It was a cause for celebration, as none of them would have any time off again for at least six months. Some, however, had celebrated a little too much.

"How can I when they keep phasing through the floor?" Neil answered with mild irritation, a look of deep concentration on his face as he tried to bring his left foot forward. He tapped the hallway floor several times experimentally before firmly planting his foot into the ground, leaning heavily across Eva's shoulder as he did so.

Eva sighed inwardly. There was nothing more irritating than an intoxicated Neil Watts. He became clingy, argumentative, and far more obnoxious than his sarcastic, sober self. Not surprisingly, it had taken them nearly an hour to make it to Eva's apartment complex since leaving downtown. Neil, of course, had whined every step of the way.

"Why can't I sleep at my own place?" he begrudged as they hobbled up to unit #303.

"Because I don't trust you to get yourself home, and there's no way in hell I'm dragging your sorry ass across the city to get you there," Eva answered, rummaging through her pockets in an attempt to find her keys. Neil began to hum a poor rendition of Jingle Bells as she fiddled with the lock.

A _click_ sounded a moment later, followed by a slow squeak as the apartment door swung open. Eva turned to her partner expectantly. "After you."

"— Batman smells, just like Alistair."

"Neil."

"What."

"Either stop singing or get inside, I don't think my neighbours would appreciate your serenades at this hour."

Neil mumbled something about underappreciated genius before shuffling across the entryway, Eva close in tow. She steered him to the centre of the room before taking a moment to hang up her purse and coat. Despite his state, Neil managed to glance around with mild interest.

"Nice place," he commented, his glazed eyes now following Eva around the room. When she came back a moment later, her usual no-nonsense expression was fixed in place.

"Okay: Ground rules. I'll keep this simple out of sympathy for you."

"That would be fabulous, thank you."

"Rule 1: Don't touch anything."

"'Kay."

"Rule 2: Sleep for as long as you want, but don't even think about waking me up before seven. Food's in the fridge."

"Roger."

"Rule 3: Under _no_ circumstances are you to play with my figurine collection."

Silence.

"Neil?"

"…"

"If you don't answer me in five seconds, I'm kicking you out."

"Fine, _fine!_ " he moaned, side-eying the glass case of figures with longing.

"Good." Eva smiled, crossing her arms. "Now repeat."

"No touchie, no wakey, something 'bout fig beans."

"Not quite the word you were looking for."

"Plasticine?" he tried again.

"Pretty close."

"Kinda like we are right now."

"Er, what?"

"We're like super-duper close right now." He leaned in a bit further and squinted, causing Eva to tense up pre-emptively.

" _What_ , Neil?"

"Nothin', I just can't see you clearly. I think my glasses are dirty."

He removed the rims from his face and set about wiping them down with his shirt, revealing a rare glimpse of the crystal-green eyes normally hidden behind his spectacles. Eva couldn't help but steal a peek – she would never give him the satisfaction of saying it, but they really made him quite handsome.

Seconds later, he pushed the now-clean frames up the bridge of his nose.

"Better?" she asked.

"Nope," he sighed. Eva wondered if it was worth explaining that it was his vision, not his glasses, blurring from the alcohol. Before she got the chance, however, Neil was leaning in to examine her face once again.

" _Yes?"_

He studied her in silence for a moment. "I don't think I've ever told you how pretty you are."

"W-What?"

"You're very pretty, Eva."

She watched his face to detect a hint of jest or sarcasm, but he didn't budge. Instead, he only stared at her with a vacant, unreadable expression. Feeling self-conscious, Eva's eyes quickly dropped away.

"Uh…thanks, Neil."

"Eva?"

"Hm?"

She barely had time to turn back before his soft lips pressed into hers, his aim slightly off due to lack of coordination and closing his eyes a bit too soon. The kiss itself lasted only a few seconds, and as Neil pulled away, a dead silence immediately settled between them.

Eva blinked once, twice, her mind reeling.

"Wow. That was…uhh…"

"The bestest moment of your entire life?"

"Unexpected."

"Yeah, me too." He didn't seem to have heard her, instead turning his attention to the dark lock of hair draped over her shoulder. "Your hair's gotten pretty long, huh?" He ran the end of some strands through his fingers absently.

"I'm growing it out."

"It's nice."

"Thanks."

It was about then that Eva noticed Neil was starting to sway on spot.

"Neil?"

"Hmm?" He blinked his drooping eyes to attention.

"Go lie down before you hurt yourself. Or me for that matter. Remember what happened last time you were drunk?"

"If I recall, there was a toaster, a bar of soap, and some sort of unicorn plushie involved."

"Uh-huh, and I'd rather not repeat that again. So take it easy, ok?"

"Yeah yeah, sure." He shuffled off to the side and wandered across the living room before stopping in front of a windowsill. Looking displeased, he frowned down at the ledge's narrow frame. "This bed is too small, Eva. I'd have to be a pixie to fit on it."

Eva sighed to herself before following after him. " _This_ way," she said, taking him by the shoulders to steer him around. "You can borrow Roxie's room for tonight, she's at a conference this weekend."

Neil shriveled his nose a bit and mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like " _girl cooties_ ," but Eva chose to ignore it.

* * *

About five minutes and several near catastrophes later, Eva had managed to successfully navigate Neil into Roxie's bedroom. Various pop-culture posters adorned the walls and Neil was now quite happily situated under a cupcake-covered, bubble-gum pink comforter. Having forgot all about the cooties, he was instead engrossed in a deep conversation with a nearby teddy bear about the intricacies of molecular physics.

Eva, meanwhile, set about tucking corners of the bed in so the poor fool didn't roll out and maim himself during the night.

"I didn't know Roxanne had a waterbed," Neil commented absently, his hazy eyes focused somewhere beyond the ceiling. "Not sure how she sleeps like this though, all this swirling business is making me want to puke."

"That's your brain swirling, not the bed."

"Oh."

"Also please don't puke on her bed, she'd kill me. Or you. Both, probably."

"Can't promise anything," he replied with a nonchalant air, blinking his heavy eyes with great effort.

"Wait here, I'll be right back." Eva left for the adjacent room and was followed by the sound of rummaging and running water. When she returned, Neil seemed to have drifted off into a light doze.

Thinking he was finally asleep, she took a seat on the edge of the bed and moved to dab away the trickles of sweat from his face and neck.

She hadn't made even three dabs before Neil's eyes flung open and he startled back to consciousness.

"Oh _#%^_ — I think it sprung a leak, I can feel water!"

Eva stifled a laugh as she readjusted the cold cloth on his forehead, nestling the cool fabric under his sand-speckled bangs.

"It's fine Neil," she answered with a smile, patting the cloth into place.

"'It's fine Neil,' he mimicked in the worst impression Eva had ever heard. 'I'm completely indifferent to your suffering Neil,' 'Just lay there and drown Neil.'"

"You're such a drama queen."

"Drama _king_ , thank you," he added while puffing up his chest. "You don't get any manlier than this."

Eva chose not to comment on the enormous cupcake duvet covering his lanky frame.

"Welp, I'm tired," he decided matter-of-factly. "Can you check under the bed before I go to sleep?"

"...What."

"Check under the bed."

"Why."

"Monsters, _duh_."

"Oh for heaven's sake Neil, you're twenty-four years old!" Eva blurted, sheer exasperation lacing her voice. She was used to him making ridiculous requests, but really?!

Looking wounded by her retort, Neil crossed his arms and turned away. "Well I hope you can live with yourself when you wake up in the morning and find out I was eaten by a barghest during the night 'cause _you_ were too proud to check for one," he sniffed.

"Cucumbers…" Eva muttered, pinching her nose. Releasing another sigh, she lowered herself to her knees and made a show of lifting the sheets to look under the bed. "It's all clear!" she called up from the floor a moment later.

"No gremlins?"

"Nope."

"What about bugbears, Brundleflies, or Xenomorphs?"

"Negative."

"Good." He settled down into his pillow as Eva re-emerged, an irked expression on her face.

"You're impossible," she said.

"I think the word you're looking for is 'awesome.'"

"Just go to sleep already."

"Yes, dear."

The light clicked off, and within minutes the sound of shallow breathing filled the air.

'Good riddance.' Resting her knuckles against her hips, Eva shook her head and sighed. She studied the man's sleeping face for a moment, then began to feel a light flush rise up her neck as her eyes drifted to the lips of his slightly-parted mouth. She shook her head again, more forcefully this time, before leaning forward to gently remove the glasses from his face.

"Goodnight Neil," she whispered, folding them carefully on the bedside table before leaving the room without a further sound.

* * *

[End]


End file.
